Stepmom

I became a Mom 11 years ago. Well, sort of a Mom. Maybe a "Mom-like" figure. Maybe a "parental-sort-of-friend." (We didn't use the term "stepmom," and to this day, I only use that term when I get a puzzled look from someone who I can see calculating in their head how old I must have been when I gave birth to Jordyn.)

Anyway, it doesn't really matter what we called it. When I met Jeremy, Jordyn was six years old. She was a sweet, spunky little thing with a little bob haircut and missing teeth. I immediately felt welcomed into her dad's life... she was excited to do things with us, and though she lived full-time with her mom, stepdad, and little sister, Jeremy had her a lot, and she was part of our relationship from day one.

Since Jeremy and I got married, Jordyn has lived with her mom during the week, and been with us on the weekends unless she was in her early teen years when spending the night at friends' houses on the weekends was just as important as breathing . Fortunately, her mom lives in the same town, so we've always been able to be a big part of Jordyn's life.

For the past 3 months, Jordyn has been living with us full-time. It was an adjustment for all of us, but once we all got into the "new groove" of things, we all settled into life, and it has been wonderful. I've gotten to know Jordyn all over again, and when I look at her, it's hard for me to see the six-year-old with a bob haircut and missing teeth. Jordyn has become an incredible young woman. (I couldn't think of any other way of saying that that wouldn't make me sound old.... so there it is... I'm old.)

Today, Jordyn turned seventeen. Last night, Jeremy, the kids and I wrote down 17 things about Jordyn that we loved and slipped them into balloons before blowing them up. This morning, with a Happy Birthday song playing from Rylee's iPod, we tossed the balloons into Jordyn's room.

If I could pick one of those 17 "loves" to share, it would be that Jordyn is incredibly loyal -- to her family, to her friends. She never brushes off an "I love you" from us, even if it's in the presence of friends (though we try really hard to keep all of the "could-be-embarassing" things to a minimum.) She is always there for her friends when they need her... she helps little sister put clips in her hair (so she can look like big sister) and she always listens to little brother's very long stories.

Eleven years ago, I didn't know what being a "stepmom" would be about. And though I didn't ever try to be a "replacement" for her mom (she already had a mom, so there was no need) I was excited about the idea of being a Mom. Or "mom-like." Or whatever.

However, the last 11 years have presented challenges... being a parent is challenging enough, but to add the "step" element gives everything a different spin.

I haven't written much about being a "stepmom" on here... it's a delicate situation when you write about others, and respecting those you write about is crucial. And let's face it, there are some feelings, whether completely relatable by others, are best kept quiet.

But on this, Jordyn's 17th birthday, I felt compelled to write. Specifically, to write to me, 11 years ago.

If I could go back 11 years, I would tell myself some things that may have helped from time to time.

I would have told myself that...

You can't take everything personal. Sometimes, when things seem like it's all about you, it's not even a tiny little bit about you.

There will be moments when you feel left out. When you feel sort of displaced. Just hold tight, because the feeling will pass.

You will realize that some years in a child's growing up are just tough... and whether you are a biological parent or a "stepparent" really makes no difference. They are tough years, and you just believe that everything you've done... everything you've modeled... everything you've said... will help everyone make it to the other side of the "tough" stuff. And everyone will make it.

There will be moments when you find yourself being able to offer guidance in a way no other person in her life can. And you will feel important. Soak it up.

There will be times when you have to hurt a little so others have the chance to learn about life and grow themselves.

When you see a quality in her that she may not have gotten if it hadn't been for you coming into her life, go ahead and smile. Feel good about it. Because whether you have the "mom" title to her or not, you will be a part of who she will become.

* * * * *

Thank you, Jordyn, for letting me be your "Carin."
I am grateful to be a part of your life.
Happy 17th Birthday, hon. I LOVE YOU!


(please excuse the photos -- a grainy, scanned photo and a not-so-great cell phone pic!)

Wordless Wednesday (On The Court)

Home

Christmas 2009

We fell in love with his photo...



and, if you asked the kids, we "sent him money so he could buy a Mom and Dad."

We hung the ornament we received on our tree -- the ornament represented a little boy who needed a home. And so we talked about him, and thought about him a lot.



I didn't stop thinking about him.

In fact, to be honest, there were many moments when I wondered if he should be ours.

My heart really wanted him.

But our lives weren't ready.

* * *

Christmas 2010

He was still there.



More money.

Another ornament -- another reminder of a little boy without a home. Without a family.



More thoughts. More desire to bring him home. To our home.

Waiting for something to tell me it was right... that he was ours.

* * *

April 2011

We found out he wasn't ours.

We found out where he belonged.

He belonged with his family...




Jake and Ashley Gibson were his Mom and Dad,



and they began their journey to bring him home.






In November, they did just that. They brought him home.



And now, my thoughts aren't about where his home is... now I know.

He is exactly where he belongs -- I can see it in his smile... his laugh.

He is experiencing fun toys and dogs and popcorn ball-making and gifts from far-away friends and haircuts and car seats and unconditional love.



And this year, because of an incredibly thoughtful Mom, we have a 3rd ornament on our tree.



The ornament doesn't represent a little boy who needs a family... a home.

The ornament represents a little boy who has a family...

He is home.

Happy Holidays 2011!

Thoughts

I feel most inspired to write when I can't. Or I shouldn't be.

Like right now.

Right now I have two kids, watching a show on the couch, periodically requesting more grapes. Right now I have 3 cupboard doors open in my kitchen and a dishwasher hanging wide open, half-emptied. (Or half-full, I guess... depends on your mood.) Right now I have a dog shuffling her food and water dish around the kitchen floor with her front paws, signaling to me that she's ready for supper. Right now I have a clock nearing 5:30, which means that I should have supper started. At the very least, I should know what I'm making for supper.

The truth is... right now I have a ton of thoughts in my head. Thoughts about the holidays, challenging child behaviors, brownies and iPads. I have thoughts about friends, Christmas presents and raising a teenager (who is now living here full-time.) I have thoughts about cleaning the house, finding time for my husband, and strawberry daiquiris. (Actually, not much thought on that last one except for wanting one.)

But, the kids' requests for more grapes are becoming louder and more difficult to ignore, the dog is now sitting at my feet whining, and supper is not making itself.

So, my thoughts will have to wait. And later, when the kids have gone to bed, the hum of the dishwasher washing dishes can be faintly heard from the kitchen, the Christmas tree lights are sparkling and reflecting against the window... the perfect environment to reflect and write.... I will be tired and my mind will be trying to recollect just what on earth I had to say about brownies and iPads that was inspiring (or even remotely interesting.)

For now, I will leave you with this.



As soon as I can wrap my arms around the overwhelmingly wonderful feelings I have for this little boy,

and now his forever Mom and Dad,

I will be back.